In Memory Of You
by Prince-Malice
Summary: It was something I couldn't even hope to describe, the way all of this played out. From life to death... and back to life again. I couldn't think straight, I was too busy staring at that memory manifested into the frightening creature known as L LXRAITO
1. Prologue

**A/N: Prologue, This story has been floating around in my notebook for over a year now, I finally have decided to make it a reality, please enjoy**

**Warning: Yaoi, Sex, Murder, Physiological shit, may strain less than intelligent readers (jk)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

As I stumbled on the cold forbidding cement staircase, I realized… I was dying. Me, God of the new world, bringer of salvation… Savior of sinners… was left to rot in an abandoned warehouse, bleeding out, heart struck down from his own righteous judgment. Although I found it terribly ironic, I already knew this was how it would happen; I had always known that the day I stopped breathing would be the result of that bastard Ryuk's promise made all those years ago, his pledge to write my name in his notebook with those long, grotesquely deformed, fingers.

I was waiting for the flashback that I had heard so much about, the moment when everything you had done, right and wrong, the good and the bad, the dark and the light, all came flooding back to you as you exhaled for the final time… But nothing had come so far, I just lay there where my legs had given out beneath me, staring up at a seemingly more and more colorless ceiling. Perhaps that had always been a pretty thought, or in some peoples cases, a masochistic one. What of those who died instantaneously? Would they have had the opportunity to recollect their lives?

When a ripping pain slammed into my chest, there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Though I had to admit my heart had felt a worse pain before, one that dying could not emulate. Of all the cheers and the stares and the rewards, there was nothing like the spotlight you lay in during your final breaths, even though not a single set of (human) eyes watched.

My own were slipping closed, I was unable to find the will to hold them open any longer. And then I saw him… a rather ghostly silhouette in the rays of the glistening sun. Even in death he still managed to rob me of my spotlight. Why was he even here? He had no business left with me, he had won this game of chess, and I couldn't even will myself care anymore.

Will _Kira_ to kill. He seemed to have disappeared completely. A little too late…

To laugh at what I had been reduced to… from God, to dying, miserable, _human_. He stared, as if waiting for me to hurry up and join him in the world awaiting us all. I guess, also, from the moment his swallowing obsidian eyes stole more than just my breath, it was the nailing of my cross, the checkmate that I struggled so desperately to evade. His lips moved, but I could not decipher what he was saying. "Is this how it felt to you?" I wanted to rasp, but couldn't.

No… how it must have hurt so much more, because of my own lapse of sanity, I sent him into the next life broken. I could have assured him an ending with no regrets, could have held in my smile for just a few moments longer. But I could not control the being that flourished inside of me. The one that hated L and thirsted for his blood…

Or could it have possibly been, that knowing I was Kira was more satisfying to him than believing I was not?

Everything hurt now, I had the fleeting want for him to close his eyes but banished the thought, I never wanted to see his eyes closed again. I could not handle it. I simply could not… I've never fallen this hard before, thrown from my pedestal into a field of mortal reality, this sick, twisted thing they called love tasted so bitter in my throat that it was ok now. I was not afraid to die anymore, I don't deserve to fear death…

As my eyes closed for the final time, I felt it…

It was amazing…

**A/N: Okay I know it was realllly short but it's just the prologue. I'll try to have the next chapter out by the end of this week, it'll be much longer. Please review. **


	2. The Dreamer

Chapter One

The Dreamer

There was once a time when I would wake in the middle of the night screaming.

I don't know why I would dream so often, I never had those nightmares before I got myself involved in the Kira case… But the night visions always slipped through my fingertips just as I would awaken. I could never collect my thoughts enough to remember quite what they had been about.

The first time it had happened, Ryuzaki had shaken me awake, asking why I was screaming so violently in my sleep. I hated not being able to answer him, I knew of course that every word that did or did not come out of my mouth was added to that precarious support beam that held both incriminating facts and innocent alibis as to whether or not I was Kira.

New nightmares would occur every night after that. Some I remembered fragments of while others I was at a complete loss for. It came to a point that when I woke up in terror Ryuzaki wouldn't even glance at me, as if my wail had become such a repeated occurrence that he had grown used to it by now.

Ryuzaki had always been… peculiar.

Maybe my nightmares were just another thing to observe about me...

I'd swear his suspicion of my being Kira has risen to at least 5% since my first nightmare. What else could elucidate these dreams that I was unable to explain or even remember? I think Ryuzaki might have assumed that I was lying when I said I could not commit anything to memory, although he quickly dropped the subject; But even in silence his black orb eyes followed my every move, like being the center piece in a glass case...

Glass eyes… Had I been a superstitious person, I might have feared that his mirror like eyes would trap my soul within them… but I wasn't. Things like that didn't happen in the real world.

But yet there exists a being like Kira, given the ability to take a life on a whim and not shy about using it either. Assuming that logic… does that mean there could be soul trapping eyes?

If they did exist then Ryuzaki would definitely have them.

I wondered if I was the only one he stared at so piercingly, never blinking nor shifting…

"Raito-kun?"

I focused my gaze to see a blank document in front of me, fingers resting lazily against a cool keyboard. "Hmn?" I murmured, glancing sideways to see black spell binding orbs. "You have been staring at that document for ten minutes and thirty-four seconds now, is everything alright?" He questioned, his voice revealing not even a trace of honest concern in it. I blinked, breaking the stare-down. "I'm fine Ryuzaki." I exclaimed, smiling the best I could with the muscles in my face weak from my lack of sleep. "You seem pale."

I don't know how he got from being four feet away to being directly in my face without having noticed, his nose stretching the line of personal space a bit too much. "You're one to talk." I chanted, sliding my chair farther from his out of reflex. His paper white skin seemed grey in the soft lighting, one could mistake him for a corpse in a given circumstance. His shaggy black hair so unhealthy it couldn't shimmer even in the light, just seemed, if possible, darker; a smoldering black cloud on his shoulders. Not even the _sun_ could breath the warmth of life into this man.

"I'll have you know Raito-kun, I am the picture of health." The childish man insisted, pouting. I just rose an eyebrow as I watched him prod his dessert in juvenile delight. I was positive that good health meant glowing skin, lively eyes, and glossy hair. Ryuzaki contradicted all of these things.

"Ryuzaki, perhaps we should stop for the day." I suggested, not waiting for his approval before logging off of the computer. "Raito-kun, we haven't made any progress, I don't think we should stop." His eyes pinned me to my chair and dared me to object, but the man seemed to forget that my sanity was balancing on a fine line at the moment; A human could only go so long without sleep, and the others had already gone home hours ago, already in bed while we sat in the dimmed flickering lights staring at tumor causing screens…

My eyes were beyond strained and my sight accommodation had long ago been stressed.

I stood up, tugging the chain with a strict finality. "Let me sleep, Ryuzaki. I am not like you." I reasoned, realizing that I wasn't quite sure how true those words were. The raven just stared blankly, his eyes darting back and forth between myself and the flickering screen littered in numbers and charts that meant nothing to me. "Now, Ryuzaki." I demanded, relief flooding my veins as I watched his face drop in defeat. "You're so cruel to me, Raito-kun." I ignored the half assed complaints as I tugged him up the stairs by the chain. "Says the person who has denied another human sleep… that's unjust."

I needed to learn to start wording things better... I should have known by now, anything that left my mouth could and _would _be grabbed and completely over-analyzed by the dark detective. "Do you suppose Kira would think so?" Ryuzaki pondered aloud, I could feel his shifty eyes staring at my back. I sneered, unbuttoning my shirt "I don't know Ryuzaki, I'm not Kira." Like a broken record, I repeated that statement for the umpteenth time.

I shifted the shirt off my shoulders, watching as the sleeve caught itself on the handcuff. "Please take this off so that I may change." I requested, fishing out a long sleeved black shirt from my single designated drawer amongst L's massive bureau.

There was no question as to whether or not the detective was selfish.

The raven man had never tried to hide that fact that he was staring as he slowly un-cuffed me. Yes, I may have been a suspect in this case but I honesty believed that the soul stealer was taking it just a bit too far. I could swear he was doing much more than simply guarding me as I slipped my shirt on over my head, his intense gaze boring into my back; I could feel those eyes slowly running along my flesh.

The freedom (if you could call it that) didn't last a moment longer as the detective slapped the still warm steel cuff back onto my not-so-lonely wrist. Every time it was the same, my only moment of freedom snatched away devilishly by this inhuman creature. "Don't you feel like you're going overboard on this?" I asked, mentally cringing as he didn't even bother to change his clothes (yet again), just settled himself into his misshapen sitting position in front of his silver laptop.

"As our prime and only suspect, it is necessary for you to remain under my constant supervision." The lanky man drawled, pressing his thumb into his upper lip discordantly. "Kira is someone completely different than myself." I declared the obvious, catching L's immediate interest. "Is that so, Raito-kun?" I gave a determined nod and pinched the bridge of my nose in my constant frustration. "Yes Ryuzaki, we are two different people, I know who I am."

The reply was snide as I turned off the lights, the room illuminated a soft blue from the flickering laptop screen. "Are you positive about that? Does any human truly know who they are? Can you access the dark, locked away, forgotten corners of your mind?" I could not lie, there were moments that seemed so normal, but that I could not remember any of the details of those days… how time had drifted away so quickly, stealing away those little thoughts, those opinions on the Kira case as it first began to unfold. I could not remember having hated Kira before my confinement… It may have seemed suspicious, but I was willing to pin it on both my lack of sleep and the frustration that has come with To-Oh University and the Kira case.

"Remember every passing moment, every fleeting thought you've ever experienced… these are the things that create who you are." His whisper echoed in the deafening silence, a ripple of tension flooding through my bones. "And what of you? You know as well as I do that it's impossible for any human to remember every occurrence of their lifespan." It could have come off sounding defensive, as anything could when spoken to the wrong person at the wrong time.

With Ryuzaki it was always the wrong time.

He had chosen to not respond…

I slipped under the cool covers of our king-size bed, relishing in the nearest thing to solitude that I ever got. Not once during my confinement had L taken a single step onto this bed while I was on it… It was like a sanctuary that I didn't fear the antagonizing man entering. My eyes closed and Ryuzaki's rapid typing started up like a ongoing lullaby drifting from the floor beside me, as it had every other night before.

Despite my overwhelming exhaustion, sleep had continued to evade me as the night trailed on, all the small mediocre things that I had never seemed to notice before seemed to draw my attention to them. Like, for example, the stars. The shimmering lights scattered as if spilled from a nonexistent heaven into the night. I, of all people, knew just what they were, blazing suns millions of light years away from this place, yet I am also aware enough of the human mind to know what kind of hopes and desires these lights brought the heart.

Another thing I noticed was just how quiet the night became up here so many stories high above the screaming city… If it hadn't been for the constant prattling of Ryuzaki's fingers, the silence would be strangling. Every flicker of the screen, playing out on the roof like a dance of lights. When sleep finally cradled me in her tender arms, the feeling was so welcomed on my heavy eyelids, that resistance was futile as I exhaled.

"_Hello Raito… It's been a while…" "You're supposed to be dead…" "As are you." _

My eyes widened to face an increasingly empty darkness, glancing towards the clock on the nightstand, my eyes could not adjust to the pitch black in order to read it… just a soft red glow piercing the consuming blight. I drifted around the slowly focusing room lazily, seeking out the cause of my much too early awakening.

I found him instantly, Ryuzaki still where I'd left him, tugging my sleeve in his child-like clutch as he watched with his entrapping gaze, his form barely determinable through the thick shroud. "Raito-kun?" His voice whispered like soft velvet sliding up my skin, "What's wrong?" I didn't have to think twice to know that, whatever it was, something was certainly _wrong_ here. "Raito-kun?" His voice stayed low, as if as speaking aloud would shatter something sacred in the air that no one even knew existed.

"What do you mean?" I replied shakily, my voice low even knowing that no one could hear us if we had shouted at the top of our lungs. That is, save for Watari… but no matter how low our whispers rang, Ryuzaki knew as well as I did he would hear them.

The corpse-like man sat beside me on the floor, his knees curling up to meet his hands which in turn, he rested his sharp chin on. His eyes pinned me quizzically, ever unblinking… evaluating me.

"You were talking in your sleep."

It was a question, more so than a statement. Suspicion dripped from those coal orbs, it was hard to hold them. I stared back silently at the older man, I couldn't recall having dreamt. It all seemed like an empty slot, a missing memory. "What did I say?" I replied calmly, watching Ryuzaki crawl into the large bed. His paper white hands and ebony hair were like something straight out of a horror film, his long body jerking as he pulled himself up.

"You spoke about the stars." he murmured, it caught me by surprise. By the tone of his voice I would have assumed I'd spoken of Kira in my sleep, the malice in his stare had been directed… at what? "Why is that so strange?" I asked as my predator resumed his position beside me on the bed, breaking my sanctuary.

He didn't speak for a while, just stared soullessly ahead.

"If you have nothing to say to me then please allow me to go back to sleep." When all he did was remain silent, I took it as a sign that the conversation had ended. I had almost completely drifted back into my slumber when I felt a sharp, heavy pressure on my shoulders. Eyes sliding open, I could only gape at Ryuzaki as he straddled and pinned me into the mattress. "What're you doing?" I demanded in a hiss, careful not to raise my voice although glared daggers at the man.

He just continued to stare down with such smothering onyx eyes…

"Get off." I bit, actually trying to remove the clutch from my shoulders but to no avail.

"Raito-kun?"

I froze, he whispered so softly, I could almost see the thin wisps of breath leave his lips even in the bitter black. He spoke as if he wasn't pinning me uncomfortably beneath him. "What is it Ryuzaki?" I sighed, averting my eyes. I couldn't take much more of hat stare, it seemed to peel back my very skin and dig deep inside of me, hunting for something even I wasn't aware existed. It made me wonder how someone could possibly go so long without closing their eyes…

Come to think of it… I couldn't recall a single time when I had seen them lay shut. If eyes where the windows to the soul… then eyelashes were the shutters that kept people out… all I could conclude was that Ryuzaki… no, L… had nothing to hide from me, from any of the people he chose to surround himself with. It was a frightening honesty taking into account all the promises he'd made to put be behind bars and pin me with a crime I couldn't recall ever committing.

"Are you Kira?" He asked as if by routine, freeing a hand to cup my chin, forcing me to return his gaze."No." I answered steadily, feeling him dig deep inside me, searching for something, anything to indicate that I was lying… "The mind forgets often but the body never does…" I swallowed in discomfort, careful not to falter.

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" I had never heard him speak so softly, like a gentle calm before an unknown storm. "All you can do is believe me." I knew he wouldn't, in his mind I was already far past the point of return. He had no doubts.

I was Kira.

I should have shoved him off, he was bony and malnourished… it wouldn't have been too hard to free myself, but somehow no matter what I did or said, I always ended up under him, I guess this was the first time he took it literally. I could have tried… so why did I just lay there?

"For some reason I just can't." I watched those lips quiver as his face flushed with excitement, as if he was so utterly thrilled with his train of thought. "I _know_ you're Kira…" He continued, that desperate look for satisfaction eminent in his eyes. "I just have to prove it." "I'm not -," "Kira." He cut me off, "Say it again and again but I still don't believe you."

"Then what do you want me to say?"

I already knew the answer. I'm sure even you could figure it out at this point. But there was no way I could ever confess to being something I'm not. I always liked to think of myself as a very honest person and at this moment, I would not let him create any doubt in my mind. I was taken off guard when the corpse leaned down, pressing his frigid nose none too gently into mine. "Tell me you're Kira."

"I'm not Kira."

I jerked in shock when he actually dug his nails into my skin, the action so unlike L that it completely took me for a loop.

"Tell me you're Kira."

It was liked a fucked up fairy tale, watching the beautiful, majestic queen (if you could compare a man like L to that) transform into a monster so hideous it left small children in tears… Watching his obsidian eyes churn like raging black sea waters. He sunk his nails deeper, I could already feel the warm blood pooling in my shirt as he dragged the claws that just seemed to keep sliding down so painfully slowly. "Ryuzaki Stop it! What's gotten into you?" I yelled, not bothering to even try to keep my voice down.

The pain didn't stop and neither did he, "You're insane." one could imagine my horror at discovering my inability to move. Like a terrible dream, I was pinned and vulnerable. "What did you do to me?" I yelled, sinking into my fear. He stared on as if nothing had changed, "I have done nothing to you." He pressed his lips down into my open wound, "your own fear is responsible for your inability to move… or perhaps…" He bit me so hard I yelled, shooting a hate filled glare his way. "You enjoy being treated this way."

"You're disgusting." I retorted, trying again to move but my body refused to cooperate. "And you're a murderer." His hands where as cold as the winter winds as they slid across my stomach, thumbs rubbing my hip bones much too roughly. "Why're you doing this to me?" His chapped lips scraped my belly button, his tongue dipping in for a taste.

"I am L, I can do whatever I want."

"_Tell me you're Kira."_ "I'm not Kira!" My heart pounded as that hand slid lower. _"Tell me you're Kira…" "I-, I'm not Kira." And then those spider fingers gripped my crotch so tightly I let out a painful cry._

I shot straight up, My whole world shaky as I tried to compose myself. Ryuzaki sat ever so silently in front of his computer, appearing to have never moved. My hand shot to my shoulder, all blood and pain completely gone… "Ryuzaki?" I called, fingering the unscathed patch of flesh that had burned and stung beneath his claws not moments ago… or what had felt like moments ago.

"Yes Raito-kun?" I swallowed hard as that deep voice drawled on, that same voice that had just been demanding my confession while he touched me in a way no man ever had before. It only figures that somehow I'd manifested L as a homosexual in my dreams…

"I'm not Kira."

At this his typing halted, turning to peer at me through the darkness. I could still picture them above me, just staring…

"Are you having guilt nightmares?" Well, I certainly wasn't going to mention to him what my dream had in fact, been about… I could only imagine what it would do to my percentage. "I don't remember my dream." This time, it had been a lie. And yet, I honestly wish that it wasn't. I didn't even want to think about what the dreams I had forgotten had been like…

Were they… similar, to that one? What had been happening for all these nights that I couldn't remember? Did L do things like that to me often? Were they so much more horrible than this that I'd completely suppressed them altogether?

Not knowing the truth completely terrified me… and it was all because of him.

"_I never wanted this to happen!" "But it did… didn't it?"_

The next morning proceeded as usual, I was forced out of bed at the god forsaken hour of 5A.M. and (literally) dragged downstairs so that Ryuzaki could fetch his breakfast; If you could even call it that. I sneered as he scrutinized each chunk of cheesecake before delicately inserting it into his mouth, as if submersed in some sort of confectionary perversion.

Eventually the raven noticed my staring and glanced up to meet my eyes, the connection burned like a hot plate and I had to pull away swiftly. I couldn't take the stares today, especially with last nights dream still lurking so clearly in my thoughts, as if it had actually happened. "Is Raito-kun not hungry?" The immature man asked sullenly, it was as if he who stood in front of me and he who haunted my dreams were two completely different beings…

"You never eat breakfast, it isn't healthy to skip meals."

I chuckled dryly at the irony, keeping my eyes deadset on the table. "It isn't healthy living off sugar based foods, and no meat whatsoever… At least Watari sneaks those vitamins in your cakes." It was a joke, and it got the desired reaction. My captor scowled at the mere thought, though I was sure he did in fact have to take some sort of supplements for his diet… but, he _was_ very stubborn…

His silence sunk into the air as I tried to only glance at him from the corner of my eyes. He quickly grew bitter, as if I had crossed a line by bringing the cake into this. It _had_ to be the lack of sleep, because once again the corpse managed to clumber right into my personal. "Eating is better than not eating." He argued, shocking me as I noticed he had actually climbed onto the table and crouched directly in front of me. "That's dirty Ryuzaki!" I scolded, staring in horror at his bare toes that curled around the edge of the table to hold himself in place, almost like a gargoyle.

He had gotten much too close, he was speaking something that slipped right past me because as I stared at his mouth all I could hear was _"Tell me you're Kira."_ It _had_ to be the lack of sleep… for I did something I'd end up regretting right then. I pressed both of my palms into Ryuzaki's chest and shoved him backwards, knocking him off balance. "Get out of my face." I demanded as he crumpled to the floor, staring up at me in total bewilderment. "You just pushed me." He spoke as if he couldn't believe it had actually happened, hell, I could hardly fathom it myself.

"I… I'm sorry Ryuzaki…" I insisted, reaching over to lend him a hand. "I'm just irritable is all, I hadn't meant to knock you over." I tried explaining myself, but my throat kept running dry.

I could just hear it now ("Raito, your percentage has risen to 10%").

The man just stared blankly at my offered hand for a moment before finally grasping it. I almost sighed in relief once he did but was cut short by a sharp, hard, yank; throwing me forward and crashing hard into the cold kitchen tile. "An eye for an eye." He murmured eerily. I stayed on the floor, momentarily stunned. It took me a moment to collect myself, turning my head to stare at the man in fury.

"I didn't mean to, there was nothing to take vengeance on… but now…" I swung my fist forward, hooking his jaw and sending him flying back onto the floor with a loud crack. He rubbed his cheek cautiously, checking for blood, but seemed satisfied at finding none. "_That_, was on purpose." He finished, collecting himself from the attack. Although I had expected the foot that soared towards me, I was unable to avoid it. His heel landed painfully on my collarbone, completely knocking me off my feet.

The man didn't give me even a moment to respond as he launched himself forward, straddling my stomach, pressing all of his weight (which I must say, wasn't too much) into me. "An eye for an eye…" He hissed again, burying his fingers into my shirt to steady himself. "Makes the whole world blind." I snapped back, not liking where he chose to leave his hands. He scowled down at my defiance, his thin grey lips pursing angrily. "I have always assumed you believed in revenge, seeing as you are Kira."

"_Tell me you're Kira…" _

"I am _not_ Kira!" I yelled, a surge of panic flooding my veins and compelling me to kick the older man off of me, catching him off guard from the brutal strike. I wasted no time, standing up in his moment of surprise. "This ends now," I growled, grabbing L by his shirt and dragging him to his feet, leading him back to the table. "Shut up and eat your damn cake."

I sat and buried my head into my arms, already stricken with a merciless migraine.

I wondered if the sun was up yet… Even if it was there was no way to know, all the main rooms in this building having no windows… We could have been trapped in a never ending darkness and nobody working here would notice… I felt as if I already was. I heard the gentle scrape of Ryuzaki pulling out his chair, resuming his breakfast as if our spat had not occurred.

He said nothing…

For the second day in a row, I wasted my time sitting and staring detachedly at my blank computer screen, if Ryuzaki had noticed, he refrained from commenting on my lack of productivity. It was, in fact, Matsuda, who first chose to speak up.

"Raito-kun, are you feeling okay?"

I looked up at the undermined man, his eyes laced with concern for my well-being. "I'm fine, Matsuda-san, you should return to whatever you were working on." The man smiled sheepishly, rubbing his cheek with his index finger. "Well, you see… Ryuzaki hasn't really given me anything to work on, so…"

I caught on quickly, I knew Matsuda would often prove himself incompetent, but that was not an appropriate reason for Ryuzaki to exclude him from our work altogether. "Why don't you help out Mogi-san?" I suggested, deciding that I myself should not just be sitting around, I didn't come here just to do nothing. "Alright Raito-kun, I'll do my best." The immature man saluted me.

It was odd how both Ryuzaki and Matsuda were incredibly childish, and yet were nothing like each other. When I resumed my work, I couldn't resist sneaking glances at the current bane of my existence. The odd man was curled up tightly in his chair, His finger tugging gently at his lower lip as he read something with a shocking amount of concentration.

That was something I had only recently noticed about the man's many oddities.

Whenever he would analyze or observe something, he would discretely tug on his lower lip with his pointer finger, yet when thinking or deducing a matter, he would press his thumb tightly into his upper lip. I didn't know what was more strange, the fact that he did all of these little things or the fact that I had always seemed to notice them.

A sudden image ran through my mind, of that same mouth sucking an open wound…

"_Tell me you're Kira_"

I shuddered, quickly locking the thought away. It was very disturbing that had been dreaming such things, and now everywhere I went I couldn't keep the memory of them away. Although admittedly the strangest thing of it all was how _greasy_ and _unkempt_ he was. Why of all people, even men, would I have dreamt about that particular detective in such a lewd way?

Was I really into creepy, unbalanced, unclean, obsessive compulsive older men? I shuddered at the thought, scowling at my keyboard. Though somehow, Ryuzaki was… _more_ than that. That description, as frighteningly accurate as it was, simply could not do the man justice. He was creepy in a way that sent piercing shivers down your spine, but drew you nearer out of curiosity instead of driving you away.

He was awkward and unbalanced, but a simpler being could mistake it as silly, or even possibly as _cute_. Maybe his obsessive compulsive tendencies where stretching it pretty far, but the longing for something, or in such cases, someone, different in life could allow one to easily overlook it. And true he was somewhat unclean, but it didn't do much to take away from his handsome face, and though he was older than me he was still very young… in body and mind.

Under these circumstances, creepy, unbalanced, unclean, obsessive compulsive or old could not really be used to describe him. The proper words more or less should have been… different, awkward, messy… with a few quirks that were to say the least, unique to only him. Older? Wiser? No, those words couldn't quite pinpoint our age gap.

I let my gaze slip back to him seemingly grey skin, the faintest of smiles on his face as he obviously read something that pleased him greatly.

_Experienced_… all other words escaped me.

"Raito-kun?"

I jerked from my reverie, blinking at he morbid detective. "Yes Ryuzaki-san?" The mentioned raven quirked his head to the side ever so slightly, "You have been staring at me for five minutes and fourteen seconds now." I blinked again, becoming increasingly unaware of myself as I seemed to continuously space out.

"I need to use the restroom, Ryuzaki…" I stated, deciding my eyes needed a break from our never-progressing work. The pale man nodded slowly, taking his time in standing up. We both walked out of the room, cuff in cuff, Ryuzaki spitting a last minute order at Aizawa during our absence. "Let us get on with it then." He said, turning back to me. It was hard to think with him staring as he did with those round coal eyes.

I slid the chain under the bathroom door as I shut myself away from my captor, the solitude not long lived. "Don't forget Raito-kun," He drawled, "There are camera's placed everywhere in there so if you would like to confess to being Kira, please do so clearly." I rolled my eyes, glad to now at least have the door between us.

To be frank I tried to delay our reunion as much as possible, making sure to so carefully wash my hands, drying them with a time-consuming precision. The opening of the door was inevitable though, but still I did so slowly, scowling at my antagonist who leaned callously against the wall. "Shall we be on our way?" he suggested, though not really waiting for my reply before tugging me along by our chain.

_We hadn't walked for very long before the older man stopped suddenly._ "Ryuzaki?" I questioned, placing a hand on the now rigid man's shoulders. "What is it?" _he muttered something so shallow and incoherent, I couldn't grasp even a string of it. "What did you say?" I felt my heart thud heavily, as if some evil entity, his head slowly turned to gaze at me with those swallowing obsidian eyes._

"_Tell me you're Kira."_

"Raito-kun?"

I jumped up in my chair, at that point I realized I was indeed still seated beside the crouching detective. "You fell asleep." I blinked incredulously, it had all been so real to me… How could that have possible just been a dream? And if so, at which point did I fall asleep? How much was real and how much had I simply pulled from the corners of my mind? "Ryuzaki… How long have I been asleep?" I whispered, realizing that no one else had seemed to notice that I had drifted off.

"About ten minutes give or take." he replied softly, not wanting to disturb the rest of the task force. I noticed that once again he had rolled his chair quite close to me, but I guess he must have taken warning from this morning because he stayed just out of my reach, he was probably cautious in fear of being knocked over again. "You were dreaming again." I could tell from his gaze alone that I had been showing obvious signs of distress in my sleep, yet nothing too terrible had happened that I could recall, so why would my body be reacting negatively?

"They're getting more and more real."

"So you _do_ remember them?'

I wanted to bite my tongue, I really shouldn't have admitted that to him. "Only this one and last nights." I defended in complete honesty. I was waiting for the prodding, the questions… but they never came. He just stared at me, surprisingly silent. I was really taken back by that fact that he didn't speak, not once. Never commented or accused, said nothing against my honor as a law-abiding victim of Kira's rampage. He just turned back to his computer and continued with whatever he had been doing about our investigation before he had woken me. In fact, he never said more than an order or two to me for the rest of the day.

By the time the sun had set, I was really thrown off by the raven's attitude, it had been irritating me so much that I hadn't even been able to concentrate on much else, add that to my lack of sleep and I accomplished virtually nothing that day. He hadn't even pestered me about being Kira, which was a feat in and of itself.

By far the most odd action though, was when he stood from his chair at precisely 10:00PM. "Are you coming Raito-kun?" I blinked rapidly up at him, raising an eyebrow in confusion. "Coming where?" I watched, genuinely surprised as he shut down his computer. "To turn in for the night of course." I swear if I had been any less refined my jaw would have dropped… I wondered if I was already sleeping again?

"That's very… unlike you." Truthfully I was incredibly grateful that he was being so agreeable, given the circumstances, Ryuzaki would have no qualms in working me straight through the night. I stood up, happily shutting off my own console, "Thank you Ryuzaki." I muttered quietly, not enjoying being indebted to the man because I knew he would grab it and use it later.

It wasn't until I was completely changed and laying down in the welcoming bed that the raven spoke again. "I have deduced that your lack of sleep is the cause of your constant nightmares, unpleasant attitude, and sluggish, unproductive work days." The detective pressed his thumb into his upper lip and I immediately knew he was trying to figure me out. "I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case." I grumbled, watching him warily as he sat beside me on my sanctuary, I mean, our bed. He even went so far as to drag his laptop up with him. "No need to be angry Raito-kun." He stretched that small, quirky grin. "Tonight you shall sleep as long as you desire, maybe that will cure you of your troublesome dreams."

I wanted to roll my eyes, of course that's why he'd help me, somewhere along the way my dreams had become a hindrance to him and therefore, now that it inconvenienced _him_, he decided to take action. I shouldn't have expected him to actually care about my well being. "Glad to know you care so much." I bit sarcastically. He turned to stare but I quickly rolled to face away from him, the last thing I wanted to dream about were those eyes…

"Goodnight Ryuzaki." I whispered, slipping my own shut. The usual clicking of the keyboard started up, "Goodnight, Raito-kun." and to that melody-less tune, I drifted into the sleep world, one that for the first time ever, I was all too aware of…

In fact, I could recall the exact moment when I slipped from reality into… this. My eyes were held open but all I could see was a shrouding black washing over me, it seemed to sink deeper than just sight, almost as if I could feel it embracing me in its consuming arms. I hissed as two warm hands pressed into my lower back, or I could only assume they were hands. They clung tightly to my skin and heated up like a flame, sending heat flooding throughout my body.

"Ryuzaki?" I called, doubting that this was that same man who had always been so cold to the skin. "Who do you think I am?" The voice was painfully familiar as it purred into my ear, sending waves of fear down my spine. I hissed as a hot mouth latched onto my neck mercilessly, sharp teeth grazing greedily at my flesh.

"You're not Ryuzaki."

I could see nothing but the feeling of being pressed so tightly into something surged my body and my instincts screamed for me to flee. I wanted to face him, the voice that invaded my already overly crowded dreams, but once again I was powerless to the weight of my own imaginings. "No, I am not." The most striking shiver as those teeth slid up my back…

"This is a dream."

I think I was mostly reminding myself because those hands felt much too real. "Maybe, but how much of it is and isn't, Yagami Raito?" My breath hitched as realization dawned on me.

"You're Kira, I know you are."

I was amazed, how had Kira managed to crawl into my dreams? At that moment I would have preferred dreaming about L's eyes. "It's true… I am Kira." The slimy voice sent vibrations up my spine. "Wake up," I demanded myself, feeling him run his hands along my stomach. "Wake up…" And just like that, I could see again, still I dreamt but at least I could see…

I could only stare…

Stare into the face of Kira…

The face of God…

_My face_…

"Wake up…" I whispered in utter terror, staring up at my reflection. The other me sneered.

"You can't wake up from the truth. It doesn't work that way."

His eyes… My eyes… were the most piercing of red. "Wake up…" I begged myself, unable to stand staring at my own face so full of malice and ill intent.

And then amongst all the heat there was the cool, like wild running water sweeping over my body. And then suddenly, Kira couldn't touch me…

Because I was not Kira…

The false me stared up into the nothing sky and bellowed out.

"You can't have me L! you can't have me!"

I wasn't that man… and I was engulfed.

**A/N: I think I got this chapter out rather quickly. Damn, it was long though, as all chapters will be X_x, well, please review! **


	3. The Bitter Cold

**The Bitter Cold**

I had been staring at Raito for twenty minutes by this point, his squirming and writhing not letting up the slightest through the night. It was an almost mesmerizing sight, those tensing muscles rippling as if caught up in an exotic dance beneath peachy skin. "Raito-kun." I murmured breathlessly. I considered waking him, though somehow convinced myself to let him be, I had already denied him far too much sleep. I resorted to the next best thing and placed an awkward hand upon his shoulder. His trembling stilled, but his delicate features remained contorted into an expression of terror.

I had read somewhere before… that when a friend or person of considerable association is frightened or the like, one could calm them by using physical gestures to imply that they 'care'. I never had any experience in doing so before, but I was beginning to feel that the situation at hand deemed it necessary. Awkwardly, as I still preferred to avoid human contact, I wrapped an arm around my suspects shoulder, watching intently for any signs of censure. When none came, I laid down fully, pressing tightly against him; his body like a fire, sinking its warmth into my bones and melting my anxiety.

As I lay there, his features softened into an almost angelic display. It was hard to believe that Kira could make such a face…

I suppose he had finally stopped dreaming.

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_Everything is so empty… Raito… where are you right now? I should have known better. How could I ever forgive myself for letting such a sinful thing occur? But for you there is no forgiveness, you've succumbed to the serpent's apple and I have tried so hard to believe you could never be so far from salvation… Tried so hard to believe you could change, open your eyes to the hate and cruelty the world had to offer and accept it as humanity._

_Humans, man, in God's image? _

_Where was I right now? Buried six feet under the ground to rot in isolation for all eternity? I want to move, but there is nothing to move, no arms, no legs, just me, here, right now, waiting. _

_Waiting… for what? Have you already cast your judgment Raito? How long has it been? Lingering in the nothingness, just waiting._

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The hours ticked on, but never once did he move. If it hadn't been for the steady heartbeat thumping so closely to my ear, that subtle rise and fall of a warm chest, I might have been concerned. Perhaps.

Even before these dreams had started, I couldn't recall him ever being this still… this…

…

…

…

My eyes refocused, I must have drifted off for a moment there, having completely lost my train of thought. Falling asleep sounded quite inviting when pressed into such a radiating body. Several times I persuaded myself to move, only to forfeit my efforts at the brunettes gasping whispers that followed my leave.

As the night began to dissipate, somehow I'd become quite nestled into the crook of an alleged murderers neck, constantly questioning my own intentions.

I felt as if I was wasting away the morning, allowing myself to relax in such a tense situation. I constantly had to remind myself that I had given my word to allow this young man as much sleep as he required and being (more often than not) a man of my word, I had to assure it. As quickly as the thought crossed my mind something within me denied it, but for what other basis would I spend my night pressed against a murder suspect?

Even someone with the deduction skills I possessed found the answer distorted behind the details of our investigative case.

When the sun finally peeked over the windowsill and bathed us in it's orange gleam, a flicker of what I could only call disappointment spiked in my stomach, which quickly gave way to wonder. My gaze was blessed with a sight not many were as propitious to see… Pink flesh turned gold, dazzling like a painting created by the most artistic of minds. Resting against his neck, my hand had turned white in comparison, seeming to merely soak in the sunlight, like the dead.

I speculated whether this was the reason eyes always turned our way when the two of us stood side by side. Was he really so full of life while I was simply deficient?

I should have risen for the day hours ago, it was already nearly 9AM and neither Raito nor myself had so much as blinked, his eyes seemingly always shut and my own never closing. I could still hear the faint whir of my laptop which lay forgotten on the floor, debating internally as to whether or not I should turn it off.

I'd been wrapped up in Raito (literally) for ten hours at that point, gazing into his eyelids, waiting for him to open his mouth and confess to me… what? To being Kira? Then what…? At the time all I could see was a cold, painfully empty spot beside me. As I apprehended what trail my thoughts had been roving, I instinctively pulled away from the handsome genius, something I had been unable to consciously force myself to do all night.

I would not allow my personal feelings to interfere with the Kira case, even if Raito was my first and presently, only friend, the possibility of him being my most exceptional enemy was much too likely.

I stood from the bed, shutting off my laptop and flipping on the lights. "Raito-kun, it's time to wake up." I trembled, attempting to regain control of my fingertips. I buried my hands into my pockets, refusing to face the many things my quivering digits could have implicated, none of which were beneficial.

For the first time, I truly wished that we were not bound together. Walking into that university and announcing myself as 'L' to the suspected Kira's face could not compare to the apprehension of facing Raito… the face of light… The inscrutable brunette merely stirred at the sound of my weak statement.

"Raito-kun… Wake up."

This time, seemingly innocent eyes slid open, staring dazedly around the room until they focused on me, piercing my own. "How was your sleep?" I asked ever so politely as he got to his feet and went in search of clean clothes. "It was fine." His voice trembled ever the slightest, I almost doubted my ears, not missing the faint flushing of his cheeks. I un-cuffed him momentarily, allowing him to change his clothes. I amused the thought of running off somewhere, away from this enigma of a boy, but squandered such irrationality and trapped him once again.

"You didn't dream?" I spoke under my breath, watching for a reaction of some sort, I spotted it without delay. Raito tensed, skin seeming to prickle beneath my questioning, it was very suspicious. I knew already he had, but striking the nail on the head and knowing that he was aware of it felt somewhat sickeningly sweet. I could almost see a sort of shame reflected in those gossamer eyes. "Ryuzaki… last night, did you…" He paused, searching my own for an answer I already had but refused to part with, "Never mind, it's nothing."

I followed his ever-tense back as he went into the restroom to wash up, had he awoken last night to find me embracing him? I couldn't recall him even stirring… unless, it had been in that miniscule gap that I drifted into slumber… Though if such a thing had happened surely Raito wouldn't have resumed sleeping over pushing me away. I drove the thought aside for the moment, for the boy said nothing else on the matter.

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"_Where are we?"_

"_We are here."_

"_And where is here?"_

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I'm in no way implying that I had taken any sort of pleasure in laying together with Raito, however, I am stating factually that as the day drew on, my body felt much colder than it had ever before. It was, to say the least, unusual, for me to allow my surroundings to hinder my work, but my generally unfeeling skin was littered in bumps and it was a struggle trying to keep my fingers still.

Was I the only individual bothered by the noticeably low temperature? My eyes drifted to Mogi who sorted papers nonchalantly, wearing the clothing that he had been every day in the past. Watari had not informed me of a temperature change, and after observing them for a while, none of the task force showed any signs of discomfort with their habitat.

As my eyes landed on Matsuda, I had to pause a moment in wonder at the amount of infantile behavior he exerted even while doing such a menial task as distributing food he had been sent to fetch. No sign of displeasure at all, in fact quite he appeared quite elated with his tasks.

Whimsically, I shifted my gaze to Raito, catching him delicately pulling a strand of hair behind his ear. Dare I say it seemed particularly feminine. Though that was probably due to his delicate rounded features, contrasted to my own sharp, facial structure. It was not often, if rarely ever, that I met a man with a softness to the likes of which he possessed. His face could easily be called beautiful; As far as elegance goes, he outshone even the most vibrant and respectable women.

I noticed it had been a while since I had seen Raito working so diligently, it seemed as if that night of sleep really had benefited him. "Ryuzaki?" Blinking into focus, I acknowledged the disturbingly angelic man with a curt nod. "You are staring at me." Had I been? Odd, seeing as I was usually quite aware of the times that I meaninglessly stared, which happened more often then I preferred to admit. "Is that so?" I really needed to collect my thoughts, I had not been able to truly concentrate on necessary stuff all morning, merely on the whimsical… such as the cold or the grace that was Raito. It was as if my blood had chilled and my ability to form coherent thoughts slowed as well. With a questioning glance, he confirmed my inquiry.

"I'm sorry." My body flooded with shivers, a cold like the winds of Winchester settling within me. I had to focus in order to retrieve my phone, trembling fingers… quivering... I dialed a familiar number. "Watari." I swallowed roughly, choking down nonexistent bile. What could explain my piping nerves at the mere thought of asking such a thing? By doing so, could it be possible that I was admitting to an inability to handle a situation such as this? "Please raise the thermostat considerably." He agreed as I knew he would, but my eyes lingered on the phone even though he had long ago hung up.

I felt almost ashamed of my incapacity as I pocketed the device, my attention being snared.

"Ryuzaki, I found something."

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"_I seek answers…" _

"_What could you desire to know of me which you already do not?" _

"_It'd be nice to distinguish what motivated you to kill the one you claimed to love." _

"_No sooner than you say as to why you chose __**not **__to kill the one you claimed to hate." _

"_Your amorphous love initially led to my death." _

"_I beg to differ, your gossamer hate ultimately led to my victory." _

"_Such a hate I developed for your erudite charisma." _

"_Your inscrutable behavior." _

"_Those irrevocable words…" _

"_Off our lips in the night." _

"_Our propensity to fall in love." _

"_Though, a querulous duo…" _

"_Our resilience," _

"_Sedulousness."_

"_It's no wonder we've loved and laughed and died…" _

"_And died and laughed and loved…" _

"_And loved…?" _

"_Yes, loved…"_

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That night I thought it best to allow Raito to rest again; While working on a decent amount of sleep, he had managed to pinpoint an alleged Kira residing within the Yotsuba cooperation. It was maddening, every sliver of evidence that fell to our feet pointed at Raito's innocence, but my gut refused to let me accept it, I was never wrong about things such as this.

I watched the rising and falling of his chest, seeming to become a different man entirely once those lids slid closed. His body twitched every moment or so, the obvious effects of REM setting in. Curiosity struck again and I wondered if my touch would induce the same deathly calm that it had the night before.

"You are Kira."

I stated aloud, fingers resting lazily on the home keys as my research lay temporarily forgotten in my lap, my attention shifting to something much more appealing to the eye. The faintest of twitches, could it have been just another antagonizing dream or had he somehow subconsciously reacted to that word? "Kira." Calling the essence that was Raito such a thing left a vile taste in my mouth, despite how true it may actually be.

"Kira, wake up." Perhaps I was torturing myself, it seemed as if this purely investigative action hurt me much more than it could anybody else. It was as if pitching him a cruel line, stooping to any means necessary to bait him, staring, searching for the smallest of body movements to imply that he familiarized himself in anyway with the name Kira.

"Kira."

I crawled into the bed, careful not to disturb the brunette. Leaning down, I let my lips linger on his ear as I murmured breathily, "_Kira_."

"L…"

My title came out as a sigh, the way my body reacted to the how that sound rang off his lips horrified me like nothing else could. Despite the considerable raise in temperature, somehow the cold had once again found me in comparison to his smoldering hot skin. One way or another my hand found its way under his shirt and I basked in satisfaction at the warmth that I seemed to absorb from the steamy flesh. I was taken by surprise at the gentle arching into my touch, the rippling of muscles raised the hairs on my neck.

"L…"

Again he called out to me, with that voice a blasphemous thought appeared. Could it have been myself that he was dreaming about? Many times words have slipped through those peachy lips whilst he slept but this was the first occurrence of him ever calling out to me… ever uttering a name of any sort. "Aaaahhhh…" His rumbling chest sent vibrations through my hand and straight to my heart, which beat (if even possible) more quickly than before.

"Raito-kun, wake up." I reverted back to his real name, eager to end the situation that became rather uncomfortable much too quickly. Was this beautiful creatures' existence purely just to torment me? At the moment though the expression on his face implied that he was not quite as innocent as everyone considered him to be. Why? Why did he make such faces while calling out my name?

The answer was beneath my nose as I gazed down at his writhing form, yet it was so difficult to grasp. There were many possible justifications… fighting, quarrelling… I analyzed every possibility save for that one forbidden sin that soon was confirmed as those pink lips spread again and moaned. "Aaaaah…. L…" I took notice that he had completely dropped my pseudonym and somehow that deeply bothered me.

"Raito, wake up." "Aaaaaahhh…" The sensual sound shot straight into my groin and left me biting my quaking lip.

I, the infamous L, that which could solve any case, imprison any person, and even hold the world within my grasp if I so wished it… was only human. I had the same carnal urges as the next man, felt the desires of my body overtake me. Never before though, had I ever associated a person, living flesh, with those thoughts… let alone someone I was close with, and a male no less.

The times I had pleasured myself, which were fairly many, There was never a face; No existing being had ever been able to extract these humiliating sensations from my body.

Until now.

Until this man spread his lovely lips and uttered my name in such a seductively sweet voice, like a song dripping lustfully off of that hot tongue. It drove me mad, watching him squirm and feeling those muscles dance against my skin. Somehow the scene presented before (or rather under) me effected me a bit too much, and I found myself gritting my teeth, feeling my erection make itself known.

I rolled off of the bed, thumping to the floor, it felt cold without him. His skin had spoiled me in just one night and that left me with two problems, my shivering limbs and the issue in my jeans. Not to mention I did not want to give him the unknown satisfaction of beating off to his nauseatingly beautiful face moaning my alias. "L…" I clenched my legs and dug my head into my knees, heart soaring wildly and unable to breath. "Don't say it…" I gritted out, this was quickly becoming very unprofessional.

For the remainder of the night I used every bit of energy I had to study up on the Yotsuba cooperation that Raito had placed under suspicion. As hours ticked by, my initial problem faded and by daybreak, I was completely turned off from having drowned myself in even more work than usual. Raito rose on his own, grumbling and he dragged himself out of bed to prepare for the day.

Not a word was spoken to me, he just went about in silence, avoiding my gaze. "Do you remember last nights dream?" I asked nonchalantly, trying hard to seem as if I didn't care as much as I did. Again I pondered if this could be considered self abuse as I locked onto his stiffening shoulders while he changed his shirt; The tender muscles shaped perfectly by his skin not going unnoticed. Yes, I had to be taking some sort of masochistic joy out of this or I would not continue doing so. "Yes, I do."

A lump formed in my throat and I had to turn down to my computer screen, acting as if whatever those blurry words, that I could not focus on, meant something incredibly vital to the case. "No interrogation?" I was surprised at his direct confrontation. I swallowed. "Your dreams are no business of mine." I retorted, standing, I already had a vague notion as to what exactly he had dreamt about.

"Even if they related to Kira?" I slapped his cuff back on him as he finished changing. "And did it?" I questioned, pinning him with my gaze. "No." He seemed genuinely surprised at my complete lack of curiosity. Never could he imagine the immensity of the things I considered at that moment, let alone that he was the main source of all of them.

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"_How can we identify that as love?" _

"_I do not know." _

"_I thought you knew everything." _

"_I did, until you came along, after that, I knew nothing." _

"_Fooled me."_

"_Maybe, but you never fooled me."_

"_Yet I still killed you._

"_Only because I let you."_

"_Why did you?"_

"_You've already asked me that."_

"_You never answered." _

"_Simply because I chose to."_

"_You shouldn't have."_

"_But I did."_

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I could not begin to comprehend this sickening feeling, just stared intently at the spoon that stood up straight, abandoned in a bowl of ice cream that I had yet to touch. I hadn't been able to make sense of anything all morning, the many sleepless nights slowly taking their toll on me. "Is something troubling you Ryuzaki-san?" I prodded the spoon none to diligently, barely acknowledging Yagami-san.

The typing that drifted from beside me ceased as Raito looked up at his father. "Thank you Yagami-san for your concern, but I am fine." I was not, and I'm sure that not only Souichirou and Raito had noticed, but the rest of the task force as well.

We had uncovered too many incriminating facts about Yotsuba to keep track of, and while all of my coworkers grew excited at the development, I just wasn't stimulated the same way that I was every time I pinned an accusing finger on the brilliant brunette beside me.

It was while analyzing the many employees that I felt a scalding hand rest on my shoulder. I went rigid in my chair, I didn't have to avert my eyes from my screen to know whose palm had touched me so gently. "You don't seem like yourself." he whispered, avoiding gaining the attention of those around us. It was as if our roles had been reversed. Had not only a few days ago it been me consoling Raito's subtle personality change and not the other way around?

My eye twitched as I picked up a gummy bear, peeling off it's head and sliding it into my mouth. "Is that so? And how would I ordinarily seem Raito-kun?" I licked my lips and finished off the body, relishing in the delightful burst of sugar. Raito did not answer. He was, after all, the one who had always said that I could never be classified as 'ordinary', above all not by societies standards.

Yet, the same could be said for him.

His outstanding IQ and stunning good looks rose him far above the standard 'ordinary'. I gazed at my reflection in the monitor, analyzing every little detail. "And I far below it." "Ryuzaki?" Raito inquired, droning on with his work.

"We will be visiting miss Amane." I said decisively, raising from my chair. The brunette seemed surprised at the sudden change of pace, but complied none the less, locking up his computer. I don't think it's that he didn't quite _trust _the task force, simply did so for the sake of avoiding any unforeseen incidents… I didn't feel very fair by thinking of a certain individual, but it was no secret that incompetent people were never to my liking. That may be why Raito was so staggered at my willingness to see Misa Amane without her having pestered me about it.

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_And I still wait here in the nothingness, thinking, wondering. Were all those people wrong when they spoke of a heaven or hell? Would this eternal abyss be the place I spend eternity? All alone? I couldn't move, couldn't talk, could do nothing but think about how the only mistake I made in my life had caused what was probably the downfall of humanity._

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"Misa would not get fat if she were to actually use her brain." I stated obviously, stealing a strawberry right off her slice of cake. "Are you calling Misa stupid!" She screeched, flailing her arms frantically. I stuck the fruit into my mouth, it's tender meat splitting beneath my teeth. How I preferred the strawberry, a candy polished marvelously by nature. "Ryuzaki!" I tried my finest to tune her out, focusing on something much more important that had caught my attention.

"Ryuzaki, why are you so sullen?" Raito asked, crossing his arms and eyeing me suspiciously. "Are you planning to give up simply because we haven't narrowed down any individuals?" I stared at my (attractive) suspect, shoving my thumb under my lip. "I am…" I trailed off, trying to find the proper adjective. "depressed." The room got quiet, even miss Amane said nothing, shifting her gaze between Raito and I. "Because I'm not Kira." He added.

He was quite the narcissist, thinking that everything that anyone thought was surely about him (albeit more often than not, it was), quite the god complex attitude that Kira would surely possess.

"4%."

I stated, causing his jaw to slacken ever so slightly. I would have never noticed had I not been staring at his mouth. "I am depressed because you are Kira…" I should have stopped there, but honesty could only be exhibited so much. "and yet all of the world is working against me, I know that I _am_ right," I could feel the air thicken like bean paste with every word escaping my mouth. By now, miss Amane was yelling, though I paid her no heed as I watched Raito's face grow passive.

"because," My eyes followed his throat as he swallowed, I couldn't will myself to look away. "I am L." Portraying a dark look, Raito stood, forcing me to look back at my cake. "Ryuzaki." I glanced back at the monotone drawl only to meet a sharp blow to my face. The force was like none he'd used on me before. Even our mere squabble in the kitchen couldn't compare. I hit the floor with a crack and my wrist cried out in agony as it caught the chain and Raito with it. I sat up, staring in bewilderment at the twisted look of hate my companions eyes bore.

"You!" He exclaimed, marching closer and grabbing me by the shirt, raising me to meet him. The distance was so discreet I could see how absolutely beautiful he truly was… completely… flawless. "You really aggravate me you know that!" He shouted, his hot breath warming the tip of my nose.

"Enough to want to kill me perhaps?" I drawled, analyzing every move as his eyes narrowed even further. I kicked him in the jaw, sending him soaring back onto the couch. Somehow, I had miscalculated the force of my attack and hadn't taken the chain into consideration. This time it was my turn to be dragged forcibly across the room. My weight being considerably less than Raito, I had been hurled right into him, my knee striking the armrest with a painful accuracy.

The force of our weight at the angle we hit managed to topple the couch entirely over, landing the brunette first and then myself atop him. My body was washed in temporary warmth before the younger genius shoved me off, knocking me onto my rear. "You act as if you _want_ me to be Kira, and since it's obvious that I am not, you can't stand that you are _wrong_, but you _are_ wrong!"

Had he really just… asked me that? If I had _wanted_ my first friend to be a mass murderer? Did I want to execute my first friend? That question… how could a genius like him not know my answer? His churning chocolate eyes waited for my response. His gaze made my flesh hot, it was as if nothing existed anymore, a purely passionate wrath crackled through the air around us.

He had me around his finger… my waking thoughts, my working thoughts, my midnight thoughts, he possessed them all. "Do I?" I whispered astonished. "I always knew I wanted Kira caught, though so does the rest of the ethnical world." His sharp eyes left me breathless, his even sharper tongue could tie my own rendering me powerless to him entirely. Even as he slept… his subconscious movements commanded me.

"Yes… It is clear to me now. I do not want anyone else to be Kira." He was not chained to me anymore… I was chained to _him_. "Honestly…" If someone who was not Kira could control me this way…. "I _want_ you to be Kira." I could never forgive myself.

The next punch, if you could believe it, was even harder than the first. That simple motion triggered and all out fight, throwing fists and feet, learning from our mistakes and using the chain to our advantage.

That's what we were born to do. Observe and learn, trick and manipulate. At that point I could finally admit to myself that while I had been stringing him along, controlling his thoughts and using his fear to corner his subconscious, he'd been doing the exact same thing and much more to me against my knowledge.

I refused to become the mouse in this game. I had worked so hard to smoke out Kira and now he was right there, within my reach. His skin so hot as I brushed him in my attacks, it was almost too much for me. The noise levels had escalated, what with Misa screeching like a banshee and the room being destroyed piece by piece.

Raito's large hand grabbed my shirt again, only this time I grabbed back, refusing to be bested. We stared each other in the eye, challenging, daring each other to make the next move, fists poised and ready to strike.

He looked sinfully attractive like that.

I ostracized the thought. I was balancing on a fine line as it was, between justice and… and… and what? "I have never met anyone as selfish or childish as you!" Raito hissed, grinding his teethe and tightening his grip.

He was wrong. If I was selfish… I would just lock him away right now. Wouldn't I? Or would I just… keep him? Sleep in his warmth every night, my very own… Would that be me acting selfish?

"I _will_ have Kira."

The look on his face was that of horror.

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"_You can't have me L… You can;'t have me."_

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Raito's head was resting on the table, pressing his jaw into an icepack. I myself was holding one against my eye. It had been several hours since our dispute and we certainly came out of that room with several reminders of what had occurred. Many things had happened since then, like Aizawa quitting while the rest of the task force left their original careers in order to remain working for me. Also, we had even managed to pinpoint an individual target number that the likelihood of the current Kira being amongst was 32%.

"How is your jaw?" I asked, breaking the silence as we sat there, neither of us typing. The exhaustion from the day placing even me in a standstill. "How's your eye?" He drawled back sarcastically. "How's your abdomen?" He lifted his head and turned to me icily. "How's your ear?" The tension in the room was suffocating and now even the others had stopped what they were doing to watch our scene unfold.

"How's your shoulder?"

"How's your wrist?"

"Enough!"

Raito and I turned to see Souichirou storm over to us. "You are both acting like children." He quickly turned from the chief of police into a father before our eyes. The feelings of tension dispersed as Raito and I both slackened our shoulders simultaneously.

Like two big, _little_, children.

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"_Next time I'll remember that."_

"_But there won't be a next time, will there?"_

"_You never know, who am I to answer that? Why not ask your death god friends…"_

"_You've always acted like a child."_

"_This coming from someone such as yourself?"_

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"Raito." My voice hummed, breaking the silence that had befallen the room. Days had passed since our spat, yet nothing had quite been the same since. "What is it L?" I flinched, I wasn't quite sure what had caused it, but Raito had been referring to me by my letter recently, and I couldn't pinpoint why it disturbed me so much, but it certainly left an uneasy feeling in my stomach. "You haven't slept in two nights."

The statement was not exaggerated, I had noticed that the brunette had been purposely denying himself sleep. The lack of movement and noise that his slumber usually brought had alerted me that the supposedly sleeping man had in fact laid in bed all night, never stirring, in an (disappointing) attempt to trick me.

"You never sleep." He retorted, refusing to face me. He lay on his side in the bed, my laptop rested on my knees as I sat curled next to him, for once off of the floor. "That is beside the point." I could not avert my eyes from the supple curve of his back, the occasional twitch being the only movement he made.

Like a predator laying in wake for hours, watching, waiting, stalking, as the oblivious prey scurried around in ignorant bliss, not knowing of the danger and never imagining that they would soon be dead…

"Don't give me trouble for picking up your bad habits."

The ability to remain dormant until the moment of attack, a trait not many humans, correction, not many _sane_ humans could posses. A very rare characteristic that implied both mental instabilities and obsessive compulsive tendencies… Again, both being common traits in serial murderers.

"5%."

I watched Raito's body tense. "You hate me," His voice drifted softly on my ears. "admit it L, you can't stand me as a whole, you can't stand the way things have played out, you can't stand that I am innocent and therefore, you are wrong." This ugly conversation reared it's face once again and it brought my nail to my teeth. I just stared at that tussled, yet, angelic soft brown hair. "One should always, when faced with two decisions, go with their first instinct."

I shut my computer down, there would be no work tonight,

"Logic tries to trick you, create self doubt and contradict that which you already know inside is right." "Are you saying that logic is wrong? Is two plus two not four?" Twisting my words and blatantly ignoring my expressed opinion, a desperate need to always be right… he was really pushing 6%. "Yes, but is it also not true that every bit of information we had gathered pointed to you? And only when you were physically able to access that information did Kira start predicting our every step and counteracting our alleged 'secret' suspicion?"

I could hear the whirring from my laptop at the foot of he bed cease, the little light it had still offered disappearing.

My toes curled in excitement at being able to pin blame on the source of my current displeasure. "You are Kira."

A period of time went by, consumed in the black save for the stars glittering through the window, silence lingering thick in the air. Finally the brunette replied.

"You'd feel insulted, wouldn't you?" It felt awkward, staring through the dark at the back of that head, "If someone, not Kira, a normal someone, challenged your mental capabilities… could these accusations be the manifestation of a bruised pride?" As if I wasn't even worthy to look upon his face. An onlooker waiting to see God, despite the petty words of people who couldn't possibly understand, claiming that he did not exist.

But for some reason, not comprehendible even by yourself, you know, that when he turns around… You'll be right.

"Kira…" My throat clogged up, "is nothing more than a smart person with clouded ideas, I would not feel threatened by them… merely pity the waste of knowledge." Raito sat up, the black covers pooling at his waste as he finally turned to face me, a violent, disdain seeping from his stare.

"I am not Kira, implying that he is a waste does not concern me in the least. I am sick of your games L, I cannot even sleep anymore, because of this constant…" He stood angrily, feet knocking my laptop to the floor, "torture. Both physically and mentally that you relentlessly force me…" My arm was grabbed, I couldn't help but stare in wonder at the display as I was dragged closer to the brunette, his nose crushing spitefully into mine. "to endure."

The room was quite, his aggravated outburst leaving behind a bitter tension, his warm nose never parting from my own.

"Is the pressure of being Kira finally crushing you under it's weight?"

I asked gingerly, I really had to start controlling my own tongue for once. "No, Ryuzaki…" His hand began to crush my forearm in loathing, "You, L, are crushing me. I am only _human_, I can't go on this way. How could anyone remain sane with you tearing at them every chance you get?" he was shouting directly in my face, voice so loud my ears had stung.

Yet again I started comparing myself with a child, one whose crossed the line and their parents aren't sure if they could take anymore. I am not so ignorant as to deny that I antagonize people, though not always purposely. Yet with Raito… he was a special case. "Is it really? Or is that small subconscious part of your mind panicking because I am L? And if that is so…" His eyes blurred over as if some dark shadow had encased him. "I am the enemy."

He was the one person who could continuously take me by surprise. "L, you make me so…" My heart slammed into my ribcage, his close proximity making it difficult to breath let alone think. Memories of those forbidden noises Raito had made in his sleep resurfaced and warning bells shot off in my head. "So… what?" I ventured, holding back from swallowing, I would not show any implications of him making me nervous. "So…" The silence was deafening, pounding mercilessly against my ears.

A predator closing in on his prey, the distance between us vanished, leaving my lips burning at the fiery touch of his own.

It was awkward, for both of us. Lips pressed together motionless, waiting for something, I stood there frozen. "Why is it so different from then?" The question had not been directed at me, but the loss of warmth left me lonely as he pulled away. As simple as touching mouths, under any other circumstance it would have been so innocent… but it was a sin, in the eyes of God and of the law, though it left my heart churning. The taste of bile flooded my mouth, "It's there, this feeling, but it's different." Raito continued, staring up at the dark roof with an intense concentration.

I wasn't sure what to think about the situation, I had just been kissed by my suspect… by Kira.

Before I could react, my shoulders were grabbed and I was shoved down onto the bed, the stunning brunette straddling me. "How is it possible to be attracted to the person you hate!" My eyes widened but I knew it was already too late for me. My heart was racing and all I wanted was to feel his hot lips once more.

"Kiss me again."

I couldn't resist my carnal desire. Raito seemed lost as well, diving in closer he caught my mouth frantically. This time he spread his own and ran his acidic tongue along my lips. I parted them out of reflex and was met with a stunning sensation as that hot organ slipped inside me. The silent world around me faded into a dark nothing, my eyes remained open though, staring at the barely visible shut lids of Raito. This feeling even I could not begin to explain.

My mind begged me to shove him off, but that thought only went so far as to push him over, flipping our positions. Though our lips never separated as I climbed onto him, his tongue being chased back into his own mouth while I purged forward and tasted what he had to offer.

Neither sweet nor unpleasant, his hot saliva warmed my throat as our tongues danced erotically together. I could no longer even distinguish whose belonged to whom. Large hands grabbed my neck and held me, no, pulled me closer, which at the time seemed physically impossible. A searing kiss, I could taste the same confusion and frustration that I felt pouring from him. It was Kira I was kissing, but he tasted nothing like the death and murder that he left in his wake.

As I found the will to pull back, I stared down at the tussled angel. "Do you really hate me?" I asked, the night sinking in on the situation. "Do you hate me?" He returned in question, brown eyes pooling with confusion. "I hate Kira." I said, my arms giving out beneath me. My body pressed down into his, my nose buried itself in the crook of his neck, my eyes, never closing.

"You're so cold." He whispered. This Raito almost seemed different from the one I've come to know.

"I hate these dreams."

Realization dawned on me, the pain in my chest excruciating.

"Why is it so different this time?"

All this while, he had thought that this was a dream… had his sleeping experiences actually gotten _that_ real?

"It'll be over when you wake up."

I said it like a professional should, but I could not stop the clenching of my heart. To think that to him, this night never happened, that I was just another dream. I found it hard to believe he had already completely given in to that world.

Soon his breathing evened out, and I knew without looking that he was sound asleep, yet I did not move. Just laid there on him, warm and tangled, both physically and mentally.

There were so many things wrong with the situation. How could I have possibly let it go this far? Where was Watari? Why hadn't he been here to stop this? To scold me like a child and provide the guidance I needed more than anything right now. He could see through the camera, I knew he could. So why was I left to decipher these feelings on my own?

I laid there on him, never blinking, waiting for dawn… Mortified by my actions and even more so by the unfamiliar fluttering of my heart.

**A/N: Hey everybody, thanks for the lovely reviews, I'm so sorry about how late this chapter is! Please let me know what you think and I'll try to have the next one up sooner!**


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